I’m a divorce lawyer. Over the past two decades, I’ve helped facilitate the demise of over 1,000 marriages. From entirely banal divisions of property to knock-down-drag-out custody chaos, I’ve had a ringside seat to every possible variety of uncoupling there is. I’ve seen otherwise reasonable people spend tens of thousands of dollars arguing over who gets to keep a $50 toaster oven. I’ve listened to the tearful narratives of both those who were cheated on and those who’ve done the cheating. There is almost no story, no matter how sordid, that can surprise me.
Nobody ever plans to get divorced. In our increasingly curated society, it’s one of the most refreshingly honest things about what I do for a living. My clients can delete photos from their Instagram accounts or carefully select only the most flattering photographs from their supposedly romantic getaways during happier times, but in the end, they can’t pretend that when they got married they planned to get divorced. They may be ready and able to handle it when they get there, but they never set their heart’s GPS to that destination.
In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll admit that I don’t have any formal education in what makes a relationship thrive. In law school, nobody ever taught me what makes people feel happy and connected in their marriages. I’ve had plenty of occasions, however, to observe in great detail what constitutes the opposite of a happy marriage. I’ve learned what makes relationships irretrievably fall apart. I’ve seen, up close and personal, what makes people feel disconnected from each other and fall out of love. I recently wrote a book about it.
Based on my firsthand observations, here are five ways to divorce-proof your marriage and maintain your connection to your spouse:
1. Be a cheerleader for your spouse.
In the challenges of our day-to-day lives as professionals, parents, and people, there’s no shortage of voices telling us what failures we are. In our increasingly advertising-soaked culture, we’re bombarded with messages designed to make us feel inadequate. Advertising is the opposite of therapy. It tells us, above all else, that we aren’t okay just the way we are. Whether it’s selling pistachio nuts or sports cars, the message is always the same: Something is wrong or missing, and the solution to our shortcomings or failures is the product being sold.